When asking some of my coaching clients what they want and desire to come from there coaching programs a good majority claim thy want to have a great relationship with another and then 2 seconds later say something like, well not right now or maybe at some point, I am just having fun right now.
Why is it so hard to really own and claim what we want and when we hear ourselves say it out loud we retract it faster than a speeding bullet. It’s not just in relationships with my clients it is career success, health and fitness, everything we seem unable to request a success of ourselves and believe we deserve it. Therein lies the problem. Do we actually deserve a healthy loving relationship or are we doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes?
We allow our past failures to dictate our future success and in the middle, is self-doubt and belief that we don’t deserve something or someone great. Watch a TEDx presentation on how it is more work to go from a negative feeling to a positive feeling or converting the age-old adage of the glass is half empty to half full. They discovered that it does take more work to release a negative feeling or a feeling of lack. They also discovered that a success feeling lasted a shorter amount of time then a feeling of failure. So here we are back in the dating world and all we think about is the last failed relationship we had. We show up to that first date and we compare them to the last person and look for evidence to support or failure and undeserving nature of I am not worthy of having a great relationship, just look at my track record. The proof is there, and we create our self-fulfilling prophecy of doom.
So, what can we do to shift our thoughts and get the glass to half full mentality?
- Make a list of the things you are grateful for and keep adding to it. Start a gratitude journal that is nothing but positive thoughts, sometimes they can get random, like I’m grateful that the battery on my phone died and I got to take my dog for a walk while it was charging.
- Find and acknowledge a success you have achieved each week then find something every day and be sure to allow the success to not be shadowed by a negative thought. Catch yourself if it does. For example, my boss complimented my work today, but I knew I could have done better or when someone compliments you and your rebuttal the compliment instead of just saying thank you.
- Be aware of your judgmental thoughts towards persons or situations, as humans we are very “judgey”, it is part of our nature to protect ourselves from recurring circumstances but knowing that gives you permission to rebuttal your judgment and find a little compassion. i.e., why does she not get her reports in on time vs. maybe she needs some more time or support, I’ll check in on her. Or he or she is blond, my ex was blond, I don’t date blonds. Maybe, I should give this person a chance.
- Ask more questions vs. making statements or adding comments, this works well is many areas, from work to personal relationships and to maybe trying something new at your favorite restaurant. Question create and open dialogue, where statements tend to trigger the amygdala and we can become defensive. i.e. I see you were late today (statement) vs. Can we have a discussion to being on time?
- Allow the negative thought to be present and to then pass you by like a big puffy cloud in the sky vs. ignoring or denying it’s there. What we resist will always persist. We may think one thing, but it doesn’t have to dictate our future. What if you are not your thoughts but the observer of your thoughts?
Finally, your past is not your future it is just your previous experiences that your ego is protecting you from but don’t let it stop you from new experiences and opportunities to bolding claim what you deserve. Your self-fulfilling prophecy does not have be repeating the bad choices we make, turn it around and have it work for you!
Bonnie Bonadeo is a Coach, Author, Speaker and Radio Host. A twice divorced mother with a son in college Bonnie is in a beautiful and healthy relationship with herself and recently got engaged to a beautiful and loving man. They share a long-distance relationship from Phoenix to Atlanta for now! Are you ready for an amazing life? Let me help Connect You to You! You can also connect with me on Instagram @bonniebonadeo, Facebook @bonniebonadeocoach, and Twitter @bonniebonadeo1. www.Bonniebonadeo.com and www.beautyinsideandoutshow.com