Are Some Responses to Infidelity Unacceptable?

Recently, I received an email from a man who’d cheated on his wife and was reading my book, Out of the Doghouse, as part of his attempt to repair his relationship. In that book, I spend a great deal of time trying to help cheating men understand the concept of betrayal trauma so they can then understand the emotional rollercoaster their betrayed wives seem to be riding. What this individual wanted to know, however, is how to tell if his betrayed partner has crossed the line from hurt to hurtful—how to know when his betrayed partner has moved beyond a trauma reaction and become abusive.

Acceptable reactions to betrayal

After learning about infidelity, betrayed partners typically find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster. In response, they tend to seek safety and/or emotional escape through one or more (usually more) of the following behaviors. It is important to understand that engaging in these behaviors does not make betrayed spouses crazy or mean or evil. It simply signifies the extent of the trauma they’ve experienced related to the cheating.

Common trauma reactions from betrayed partners include:

• Detective Work: Checking phone bills, browser history, text messages, apps, emails, etc.
• Mood Swings: Sad one minute, raging the next, and then affectionate, loving, or even sexual the next.
• Shame: Blaming themselves for your decision to cheat, perhaps overcompensating by losing weight or amping up the sexy.
• Mistrust: Questioning everything you do and say. In fact, they may question everything you’ve ever said or done.
• Control: Micromanaging your money, free time, work-life, etc.
• Obsessive Questioning: Wanting to know every little detail about the cheating and not taking no for an answer.
• Avoidance: Avoiding thinking or talking about the betrayal.
• Inconsistency: Often, this manifests as flip-flopping between obsessive questioning and avoidance.
• Numbing: Escaping the pain of betrayal with drinking, drugging, spending, etc.

While none of these behaviors are fun for cheating partners to deal with, they are normal and even expected responses from a betrayed partner. Given the circumstance, these actions are neither abusive nor out-of-line. Cheating men, therefore, should accept these behaviors for what they are—a response to trauma that they caused—rather than getting upset or defensive and fighting back.

Unacceptable reactions to betrayal

Not every response to infidelity is acceptable. There are limits that betrayed partners, no matter how hurtful the betrayal, simply should not cross. And cheaters both can and should set boundaries around such behaviors (if such boundaries are needed). These unacceptable responses to betrayal trauma include:

• Physical Violence: This includes hitting, pushing, slapping, spitting, hitting walls, throwing things, breaking things, slamming doors, etc.
• Turning People Against You: This type of behavior is especially abusive and especially unacceptable when the people who are turned are your kids or other family members.
• Going Public: Telling your boss, coworkers, neighbors, social media, the press, or others what you’ve done.
• Verbal Abuse: This includes name-calling, yelling and screaming, and devaluing your humanity by saying things like, “You don’t deserve to live.”
• Emotional or Physical Threats: Using the threat of divorce, the threat of taking the kids, the threat of violence, or the threat of suicide as a weapon. (If someone is genuinely suicidal, please immediately call 911 or The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255.)

Simply stated, there are behavioral responses to a betrayal that are acceptable and behavioral responses that are not acceptable. Yes, betrayed partners are going to be incredibly angry, and they are going to be mistrustful, and they are going to overreact to seemingly small issues. They are also going to seek information, control, and emotional escape from their pain.

All of those behaviors are acceptable responses to betrayal, and cheating partners need to just sit back and accept that no matter how unpleasant or upsetting these behaviors are, their choice to cheat is the cause. If, however, a betrayed partner is behaving in ways that cause a cheating partner to fear for their physical or emotional well-being or the well-being of those around them, especially their children, they should not just sit back and take it. Instead, they should politely explain that the betrayed partner’s actions have crossed a line and, for the sake of safety, they need to set and implement some healthy boundaries. Typically, this is best done with the assistance of an experienced couple’s therapist. To find a therapist near you, visit Psychology Today’s Therapist Directory.