How CBT Could Help 'The Bachelor' Contestants Find Love

For fellow viewers of Bachelor Nation, the previous week’s “fantasy suites” episode involving Bachelor Clayton Echard and his final three women, Susie, Gabby, and Rachel was a difficult one to watch.

As Clayton left his final and deepest connection for last, he confessed his love to Susie, only to have her ask if he slept with the other women, to which he admitted he had. She confessed this was a dealbreaker, hoping he would have not slept with them even though she had encouraged him to pursue relationships with the other women.

As a psychologist who works heavily with millennials on romantic relationship concerns, this was extremely difficult to watch. Two people, both in love, were heartbroken over poor communication and distorted thinking. Prior to Susie’s date, viewers watch her imploding, mentally spiraling out of control as she kept thinking about whether he loved the other women and whether or not he planned to be physically intimate with them. All the while, she went through one-sided dialogue alone without actually consulting the man she considered could be her future husband.

Unsurprisingly, this is a scenario one sees in the therapy office far too often—one partner wants to steer the ship exclusively, not realizing that then precludes the entire concept of a partner—one in which decisions are made mutually and jointly. Naturally, when one has been hurt or single for a period of time, it can be easy to forget the person on the other side has your best interests at heart too if they really do love and care for you.

For many millennials, thinking and over-thinking is an art form. We are living in a time when data is instantaneously at our fingertips. We are never left to wonder as Google makes any answer a two-second search away. As such, dealing with uncertainty in our romantic relationships appears to be leading to more agony than ever before.

In the case of Susie, she was uncertain what Clayton was thinking, did not directly ask him, and then proceeded to catastrophize, mind-read, and fortune-tell, all of which are well-established cognitive thought distortions. The identification and breakdown of thought distortions is a staple of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

Catastrophizing

In the case of catastrophizing, we assume the absolute worst. For Susie, it was that he slept with the other two women, which he did in fact do. However, as Clayton correctly pointed out, these were not random hookups and she explicitly told him to pursue other relationships. What is unclear though is where this “dealbreaker” came from and why it was not communicated earlier. Further, while sleeping with others certainly is a very valid concern, it does not equate with him loving the others more (he admitted he did not), or that they would not end up together at the end of the journey. Catastrophizing also looks like believing if it’s not Clayton, it may never happen again, or she will be lonely and depressed for life. From the outside perspective, these things are clearly not true.

Mind-reading

Mind-reading, much like it sounds, involves assuming you know what others are thinking and doing so from a negative lens. Susie seemed to believe that telepathically Clayton would just “know” what she wanted and act accordingly.

Fortune-telling

Fortune-telling is a very closely related distortion that involves thinking we know and can see the future and acting accordingly. In many ways, Susie seemed to think it was over before her date even began. She assumed he likely was intimate with the women, prepared to tell him it was over just as he finally confessed his love to her. Perhaps it was a lack of confidence in their relationship or herself, but she could have just as easily come right out with what she wanted.

Several seasons ago, Bachelor contestant Madison Prewett quite eloquently expressed her own concerns about intimacy with Bachelor Peter Weber and did in fact give him an ultimatum regarding his intimacy with other women. While many viewers saw this as harsh (including his own mother who wanted him to sow his wild oats), she was standing up for her own morals and values; from my perspective, Madison did an excellent job of standing up for herself in the context of their relationship.

In one week, the journey for these contestants will come to an end. It is currently unclear whether or not there is a chance for reconciliation between Susie and Clayton. What is clear is that learning strong communication, managing thought distortions and anxiety could go a long way in helping all of them find the connections they are ultimately seeking.