Key points
- Being comfortable being alone is necessary for healthy intimate relationships.
- Individuals who are not comfortable alone tend to seek out unhealthy relationships.
- Seeking out relationships to avoid being alone may invite exploitation from others.
- Learning to love being alone is an important form of personal growth and mental health.
Mental health requires that individuals are comfortable with themselves and generally find themselves to be good company. They seek out the company of others as a way of being close to another as an extension of the closeness, or intimacy they have with themselves. They invite others into their personal intimacy.
Individuals with symptoms of personality disorders frequently report that they hate being alone. Some equate being alone with rejection or abandonment by others. They feel isolated and empty when alone.
Individuals with borderline personality disorder often experience this as well as feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. Individuals with symptoms of dependent personality disorder may experience fear when they are alone as they feel incapable of taking care of themselves. Individuals with symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder tend to crave the attention and adoration of others to reaffirm their worthiness and attractiveness.
Seeking out relationships for the purpose of avoiding being alone is an act of desperation. The focus is on getting others to keep you company at any cost. Some people use sex to keep others around. Others use money. Some bully others into being with them with threats or intimidation. None of these methods will produce intimacy.
These motives and methods of approaching relationships will drive away healthy people and can instead lead to unhealthy relationships with other unhealthy individuals. These are relationships that are based on barter; companionship is offered in exchange for validation or dependency or convenience. This is a business transaction, not a passionate act of intimacy.
Mary and Hari: An Example
Mary hated to be alone for as long as she could remember. She would go along with anything anyone wanted to do as long as they would include her. She sat through movies that she had no interest in and even watched sports with her brother and his friends, just to avoid being alone.
When she was alone, she felt vacuously empty. She felt like nobody cared where she was or what she was doing. She felt rejected, cast aside by society, and unlovable. She hated feeling this way.
Mary had many relationships with different lovers. She would always say yes to everything she was asked no matter how she felt. Her lovers loved this in the beginning, but often ended up taking her for granted and exploiting her.
Her most recent relationship was with someone she met at a yoga class. She noticed that one of the students kept glancing at her. She liked the attention but wasn’t sure why Hari was interested in her. She was delighted when Hari approached her after class to share a carrot juice.
One thing led to another and Mary and Hari became lovers. The first two weeks after they met were full of passion and excitement. Mary was happy to go along with anything Hari wanted as long as she could stay around. After two weeks, Hari initiated the following conversation.
Hari: Mary, would you mind if we didn’t spend tonight together?
Mary: No… oh…that would be fine. I guess I’ll get my stuff and go home.
Hari: Great! I’ll talk to you soon.
Mary was shocked. She felt totally dumped. When she got home, that awful feeling of isolation and emptiness came back. She went down a rabbit hole; she cursed herself for being unattractive and unable to maintain a relationship. She wanted to ask Hari why she was being rejected, but she was also angry. She thought about hooking up with someone else.
Hari called the next day. Mary was excited at the prospect of getting back with Hari. She would do whatever she needed to do to keep Hari happy so that she wouldn’t be abandoned again. They had the following conversation.
Hari: How are you?
Mary: Better now that you’ve called.
Hari: What do you mean?
Mary: I hate to be alone.
Hari: Is that why you’re with me?
Mary: No—I really like you. But I hate being alone.
Hari: I should tell you… I’m not looking for a relationship.
Mary: But I love you!
Hari: I was just trying to have some fun. I think we need to slow things down a little.
Mary: I’ll be with you whenever you want me.
In the above transaction, Mary has given Hari total control over the relationship in order to get some attention sometimes—all on Hari’s terms. Hari is then put in the position of being able to manipulate Mary. This is not love. This is not intimacy. This is mutual manipulation.
Mary will become resentful of the power she has ceded to Hari. Hari, in turn, will likely lose respect for Mary due to the subservience.
If Mary is able to tolerate, and hopefully, eventually, enjoy, being alone, she may be able to say to Hari, “Let me know when you want to see me and I’ll see if I’m available.”
This will force Hari to make a move that shows he desires Mary and values his relationship with her. Only by attaining comfort with being alone can Mary allow others to want to be with her and not choose to be with her because of goods or services that she might provide.
Finding comfort and enjoyment in being by oneself tends to come naturally to healthy individuals. For those to whom it doesn’t come naturally, healing and growth are required. This requires a vigorous and honest inventory of the self and a systematic acceptance of all aspects of the self that cannot be changed, while changing those that increase self-desire.
This process can be difficult and sometimes painful. Engagement with a competent psychotherapist will be very helpful. Successful accomplishment of this goal will leave you prepared to experience passionate intimacy with others while still feeling satisfied and secure when you don’t.